We have all reached that time where we are more or less annoyed with Facebook.
But what struck me is, we aren’t annoyed with Facebook. We’re annoyed with the people on it.
Facebook is essentially a collection of people you know subdivided into different categories.
Although Facebook lists the categories, They’d be more appropriate if they were like this.
* People who matter.
* People you studied with.
* The pretty girls/guys who accepted your friend request thinking you were someone else.
* The friend of a friend of a friend who posts updates often but whom you don’t remember meeting.
* People you know but will probably never meet. and worst of all,
* Your relatives.
All these people more or less will fall into the 9 types of categories that I classify people into.
This person is to some people, the next best thing since sliced cheese.
They are the most followed, most subscribed and most like person in all of history.
There are two explanations for this.
* It’s a girl.
* She’s hot.
And on the very rare occasions that the above criteria doesn’t hold true.
Well, miracles do happen don’t they?
Brb, gonna forward the mail so I don’t die.
These people are going places in life. Not being sarcastic. Trust me, I’m an engineer.
They are the needle in the haystack.
Apart from the extremely pretty girl you’ve subscribed to, their updates are the ones you truly need to follow.
They represent your best hope of learning something, ANYTHING through Facebook.
Their posts are punctuated with witty captions, funny intellectual photos and statuses that actually make you think.
Also, they use perfect grammar.
Their dry humor is not too popular due to the scarce amount of people understanding, but they are an absolute riot if you don’t have a potato for a brain.
The Venn diagrams of this one, the instagram one and The popular ones overlap at some points.
This person represents the majority of the current generation.
Granted I’m not an old man with a bottle of whiskey shaking his head at the plight of ‘kids these days’ but would you please take a look at your newsfeed?
They are the perennial cool kids who know jackshit about jackshit.
Ask them who went to the moon, they’ll tell you it was Lance Armstrong.
Ask them who Tesla is and they’ll tell you that he’s a rapper?
Now, how do you identify them?
Step 1- Type YOLO or SWAG. Check out those pages and people.
Step 2- Delete that shit.
Step 3- Run an antivirus check and clean your computer.
Step 4- Rinse your eyes with water.
Step 5- WTF IS SWAG?
This is the category where predominantly most males tend to fall under. They post updates about any sport that involves a ball.
Although Football, Cricket and Tennis take the most preference, a tiny minority does exist that follows sports as mundane as Golf.
I mean is that even a sport?
I’d rather go scrape my nail on a wall for hours than watch golf.
Yes, I’d definitely do that, but am not sure a Tiger Wood. Geddit?
A word of caution when you come across these people is to watch what you say.
A callous insult about them or ‘your mom’ jokes will get a mighty chuckle.
But a word about the team or player they support and you will be sucked into a whirlwind of fury.
Wars rage over this. Not over the Crimean invasion or Gas bombs in Syria but over who is better.
Messi or Ronaldo?
Sharing is caring. This gentle soul will share everything. Funny statuses, great songs, popular sporting events, trending memes, viral videos, interesting reads, movie trailers, political gaffes and an exhaustive list.
They’ll share everything. Everything except their photos.
Irrespective of an unfortunately misplaced sense of low self-esteem, they somehow follow the most creative and happening pages and find and unearth gold mines every now and then.
If you ever want to while away time on facebook, if you’re not doing that already, then this is the person to follow.
Facebook is his diary. He will list out every thought that goes in his head. USING SHIT GRAMMAR.
He will whine, laugh, cry, and go through a myriad of emotions in just one status probably about his breakfast.
Also part of the instagram brigade, he probably owns a guitar, and a DSLR, and an iPhone.
Make no mistake, this guy will get more chicks than you can ever dream of.
But he will always be ‘THAT guy”
Here’s a card for that guy.
I’m gonna be a smartass now. A list such as this has to be complete. Since more than half the population of the world is on facebook (made up stat), it is almost impossible to categorize every person who uses it.
Problem? You’re welcome to try.
They also have the highest concentration of sane people.
The others comprise of the people who don’t fall into any of the above 8 categories.
I did tell you I was gonna be a smartass did I not?
Here are a couple of illustrations to help you out if you’re too much of a dick to read what I’ve put so much effort into.
SO, what type are you?